Rogue v. Road

A real article. You should be pleased. I quite am.

I recently was working on gearing up the warlock for future bloodbaths, random BGing with Mordy, doing dailies as we waited. AB pops, and we both moan with delight. Nothing better than sitting on BS and letting the honor trickle into our mouths, harassing the Alliance at LM because they dig their wood, or taking Stablés (not a typo, say it like that, it's fun) because no one is there EVER and horsies are cool (I tend to yell "HORSIES" when I head there; I am very excited for horsies always). We play with the nodes a bit, things aren't working out, so I retreat back to farm to just chill. I start seeing the usual banter from the angermonkeys in chat:

"You guys suck."

"Horde always loses."

"Why are you guys so bad."

[DISCLAIMER: Those last three quotes, in reality, more than likely lacked punctuation, proper grammar, and spelling. Please use any level of imagination to make those seem more retarded in order to help in believability. Thanks! ~MGMT]

Who's saying that? Oh, a rogue. Right. Let me check where you are. On the fork between BS, LM, and Farm. Fighting three or four Alli. Uh huh. We're so bad. Noted. So since I'm only mildly contributing by defending Farm, I get to what I'm good at. Showing you your Stupid (Your actual possessive stupid. The stupid you own. I know you want that apostrophe. You ain't getting it, it's something that you own, that you care for, and foster every time you get on that Alt rogue. If it's not an Alt, dear God, help us all).

I'm usually the instance leader. I don't know why, maybe the game knows I'm me and I require it.

No one caught that cast. It's cool. I'll keep trolling the waters. Fishing takes patience. I've got lots of patience.

Krenlyn of Quel'dorei got that call for Mine. That's why she's illin'. I'd be illin' too if people listened to me.

Still trolling. It works out that cast, because someone finally says something.

DING DING DING! WE HAVE A WINNER FOLKS. Nigh on eight years and you have the nerve to tell me that it's DPS, not actually winning, that wins BGs? Let's do this, knifelicker.

What people fail to understand is the simple subtleties of rhetoric, the implications of evocative speech, and the woven meaning behind such spartan sarcasm. I'm not mad. I have a blog.

Farmer Yoon be trippin' on my AB skillz. I should get Tillers rep for this.

OMG. BRILLIANT IDEA. They should put an escort quest in AB. Node to node. Horde would win. Hands. Down.

What also tickles me is that I keep saying this shit all BG and no one gets off the roads. We are losing. FUCKING LOSING and no one stops the senseless murder and gets on a fucking flag. I've missed you, WoW, so hard. So fucking hard. Please, give me more.

The rogues and the DKs are so busy that they really can't be bothered with a response. I'm just pointing out that our victory rests solely on their shoulders, and I'm fairly certain, by their lack of response and their heavy attempts at keeping the roads clear, that they understand this and agree with me.

I don't think anyone, at this point, wants to listen to me, because we lose Mines right after I said this.

It's okay, Sandreh, you tried. You really, really tried. Perhaps one day your deeps will count. For now, delete your account. You're useless. Get outta me. We are done.

I AM OATHBREAKER OF DRESSEDTOCUDDLE.COM, DERPOGUE. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

You're the reason I came back.

Ladies and gentlemen, My name is Oath. This is my blog. I write it with Alliance blood. Thank you for reading.

Stupid People: Fartzapper

'Sup.

Been a while since I've dicked around with people, and since I've been playing with Äsclepius more, I've REALLY dicked around more than usual. For those of you who aren't privvy first hand, Äsclepius trolls you. That said, allow me to lay the scene.

I'm tanking on One, waiting for 'Pius (pronounced "Pious," but I say "Peeus") to show up, so I decided to level via insta-queue, catch up a bit because he was ahead in the bars. At 83 and 84, you've got two choices for instances: Bonercore or Vortex Testicle. I get Testicle, and it's already up to Puff, the Magic Dragon. Brilliant.

I'm with a Mage, a Priest, a DK, and Fartzapper, an Elemental Shaman, who, at the time of writing this and seeing his armory, has six items that give Agility, two items that give Strength, and an Intellect headpiece that has an Attack Power and Resilience enchant.



Mm. This is already awesome.

We down Puff, surf the jetstream, and I start marking. I take a gander at recount as markers go up. Farts is pulling about 1200 DPS. I quietly give him the benefit of the doubt.

Mage gets Moon, Shaman gets Panties; I don't really trust some pug Priest healer that isn't 'Pius to MC the Adept. I announce in party what each marker means. CC pulls, I pull off, but Panties is still walking around. The Minister of Air is annoying. He's got a green thong on his head and he's lobbing electricity like he's Tesla for a good five seconds before the priest, who wasn't told what to do, who is also healing, MC's the Minister and tosses him off the side for relief. The Elemental shaman is meleeing. I get a whisper from the mage before the next pull.



I promise that Rift article is coming. Anyway, after I reassign duties properly and everyone BUT the shaman rolls like a pro, I engage in a bit of conversation.



Hey, you never know. I'm not gonna call someone bad if they're just distracted. And if they're constantly distracted, like Repello always is, then yeah, I'm gonna call him or her a baddie. Kids, don't be a Repello.

Farties replies.



My issue? Buddy, you are my issue. I will not suffer a lazy toddler. Carry you? Fuck your mother.

Stars are up next, know what he does to try and make up for shit DPS? Earth Elemental Totem, GO!



I don't understand. HELP ME UNDERSTAND YOU. No? K, next pull. No Hex, I'm not gonna ask you to look through your spell book. Not gonna educate you on how to play your class. Not my job. I am curious though. After a pull, noticing that myself, the DK, the Mage, and even the Priest show up on the recount, I inquire further.



Kinda understood what you said. Not really.



"Let's just go"?! Peanut gallery's restless. Seriously, have we gotten to this? I'd have thought, with the advent of the new expansion, we'd have gotten back to humbler roots; I was under the assumption that the somewhat-harder-than-Lich-King content would do away with the loosely supported arrogance. Here's Farts though, proving my assumptions wrong, talking big without even a foot to stand on.

So we kill the last group of stars and I give it a shot.



Apparently the group isn't with me. You uninvolved prats. Thanks for making me lose more faith in humanity. Asaad goes down easy; the shaman even knows to get in the triangle, which tells me he's done this before and has been carried quite often. He proceeds to be a fully-realized fucktard.



Captured Lightning, by conventional standards, is a healing trinket. Pretty sure he doesn’t need Billowing Cape, unless I missed something in Caster 101. I query his intentions.



Perhaps now, since the instance is over, I'll get a fairly straight forward, reasonable answer.



Lemme fix that for you. What you should have said was, "I LIKE BLUE, IT'S MY FAVORITE COLOR." I would have accepted that, thanked you for your time, and wished you luck in all your endeavors, both in game and IRL, as it's so very difficult for those who are headfucked by a serrated dildo to fit in with normal society.



I know, I know. I could have laid into the guy. Could have left him writhing in agony; could have left him cut with a scathing remark or some witty repartee to turn his teeth inside out and make him wish he really was playing Rift (God help him). But no. Went with the poke and bolted. I could tell, deep down, that dry puss was feverishly banging at the keyboard, raging like the anonymity doth allow him, and I honestly just wanted to ding, so getting out of there was priority number one for me.

In any case, I want you out there, my few and loyal readers, to pay him a visit on his fair Darrowmere. Ask him, sincerely, what the flying urethra fuck is he doing with Strength gear. Ask him nicely though. Then tell him to check out DressedtoCuddle.com. :)

Motlcilk Attention *or* How I fear future raids with guys like this

Thanks to everyone who congo-rats'd my face off for Loremaster! I wanna date each and every single one of you. Really. I do. I'll get you a touch bit drinkedy and we can hold each other up at night. Mmm, Chambord. Right. On to the post.

Lemme preface this with a screenshot.



Having a Mechano-hog gets a reasonable amount of attention, particularly from low level players. I took that screenshot in Durotar, heading out to northeast Barrens for Loremastering (that sounds dirty) and Oxsam just randomly invites me as I drove by.

This isn't the first time.

I'm out in Tanaris, doing that Loremastering thing (I really like this new verb), disenchanting things, and, just as I get on my bike, I get invited to group. I've never been the kind of guy to deny an invite because I'm just some douche with better things to do; I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and see if they have something worth while to offer or if they ask for something reasonably easy. It's always nice to help, educate, or just hear out someone when the time calls for it. I also have a blog.



At the time, Hellbentaxis was level 52. I take a look around the area with a /who to the zone. Four other 80's, all in Gadgetzan. Why me? Eh. Let's see what you want.



I follow him, thinking, Probably just some asshole level 60 or something. This will be easy. He points to Bera Stonehammer.



Really? You don't know what “ganked” means? You poor, poor thing. I just want to rub your tummy and feed you cookies.

I continue:



Don't get me wrong, being a dick to you Alliance out there is fairly high on my WoW To Do list. Loremaster was above that, though. Though now that I am the Loremaster, expect a few post about my vacation in Goldshire soon. Kek. Where'd all this blood on the floor come from? This Inn is so nice! Look at the books and beds. Lawl. They think they're civilized. Silly monkeybots.

I can feel the pally looking me up and down, and not in the hot and sexy way.



The part where he goes “weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” is when he gets into my sidecar, if you couldn't tell. I drive out to the race track up north. He smalltalks.



Attempt 1: Was okay. You've almost got it. There's an “I” in there, somwhere.



Attempt 2: Better. You put the “I” in there this time. And really? “Like where?” I just want to hold your hand and show you Mickey Mouse. Take your picture next to him. You adorable little idiot.



I'm gonna buy you some formula and tuck you in, you sweet little baby.



I put him on my Friend's List. Charity cases hurt my heart. Expect an infomercial for “Newb Reach Out: a Charity.” For copper a day, you can sponsor this poor paladin. See as he stabs himself in the eye with gray trash drops.

Stupid Nubs: Fangore again

Fangore's e-peen is so huge, I had to make a post.

Scrubbs and I have gotten quite a money-making scheme going with the production of Mechano-hogs and selling them on the weekends to would-be bikers. I tried getting a head start on One yesterday and Fangore, the genius birthday girlfriend raping paper guy, chimes in. I didn't get screenshots, sorry, but what follows is just about what was said.

Fangore: Oneironaut, I've never heard of you or your guild before. (My guess, him trying to derail my trade channel exploits)
Me: And the internet has heard of you and your raping paper.
Peanut Gallery #1: LOLWUT
Fangore: wtf u takin bout
Me: http://www.dressedtocuddle.blogspot.com
Peanut Gallery #2: I'm not going to some site called dressed to cuddle, probably porno
Fangore: ur dumb
Me: seriously though, thanks for making me famous.

I take the effort to whisper him. That, I get a screenshot of.



Dude. Really? REALLY?! You arrogant prick.

Who gives two shits if you're supposedly one of the best warriors on the server? It's Farstriders. Last I checked, we're neither top server for raiding OR RPing. I don't think you get what I've done to you. There are people laughing about your degree of retarded in Australia, not the quality of your gameplay. Stroke your e-peen harder because your righteous arrogance will never suffice as vidication for the intellectual damage I have set forth to smite you with. You are target one and I am the F-Bomb. From now on, any chance I get, I am going to call out your dumpy ass for every single misgiving you commit on a public channel.

To reiterate, I am an asshole. I just found my dumbass to splatter my shit on.

Stupid Nubs: the AH Edition

Once again, another edition of Stupid Nubs for you today. This time, we hit the AH.

In lieu of my friend, Hydra, making gold up the wazoo, my blog-following as of late has been focused on places like Greedy Goblin, WoW Economist, and WoWenomics, all in an effort to give greater gravity and girth to my goldsacks (har har).

One of the posts suggested to put vendor-sold items on the AH. I like messing with dumb people, in fact, that seems to be all I write about. So I got on Runface and ran around TB purchasing things. Only a few, though, because in the likelihood I don't sell anything, I don't want to have a ridiculous surplus of Skinning Knives on me.

Of course we've all seen it: AH items that don't make sense. We don't buy them, who the hell would? Seriously, no one can be that stupid.

I grabbed stuff, mostly items you'd need for mats, posted them, and in a few days I found that, yes, there are actually people out there who buy vendor items from the AH.



That would be ONE Rune Thread. At a base price, no faction discount, of 50s each, I think I made a significant profit.



Again, just ONE Eternium Thread, not a stack, receiving a 350% profit. The fact that this guy bought three auctions of the same item makes me chuckle.

I decided, hell, why not, let's get ridiculous. I bought coal. Sold by most Blacksmithing Supply Vendors, 5s base price per piece of coal, I bought a stack for 47s 50c with faction discount on Run. I posted it for a ridiculous price.



Seriously? C'mon people. That's just retarded. IT'S FUCKING COAL. You paid me that much for coal?!



20 yards. That's all I have to say. I made a little more than a daily quest by moving 20 bloody yards.

Messing With Gold Farmers Beggars: Killermanjac

This post will solidify one particular trait of my gamer personality: I am an asshole. I will openly admit, as a disclaimer, that I went out of my way completely to screw over this Rogue, Killermanjac. I try not to live my life with regret, in real life and in-game, so therefore, even in retrospect, I don't feel an ounce of guilt. With this in mind, on to the messing-withs.

I'd gone AFK on Oath, busy eating a messload of candy (anyone else notice the lack in the number of trick-or-treaters this year?) and watching the third replay of Night of the Living Dead on AMC, when I glanced over, Reese's smeared all over my face, to see this:



I think we can all agree that beggars are annoying. Usually, I don't do anything about them, but, in my sugar-addled mind and with the notion that I've been writing a blog for the last several months about Warcraft anthropology and sociology (my server is pretty much a bunch of chimps, save for a few of you, and I'm Jane Goodall), I had a twitch to mess with this sucker. Despite my twitch, I let it ride, seeing if he'd ask again or if he'd do something. He did:



I hate when other players would do that. I'm sorry, Dalrak, that you had fallen victim to this douchehat. Please, allow me to assist you.



He found me in Orgrimmar, then like a good little gold beggar, opened trade, no attempt to convince me to give him the gold, just another useless turd asking for another hand out. It also helped my irritation that he's a rogue. I fucking hate rogues.



He can has Cow Level.



Yes. That's right. I used Direbrew's Remote. He went in. That's a good beggar. Jump when I say jump. After about five minutes of silence, I leave party. After about another three minutes, he whispered me:



Kekekekekekekekeke. :P After another two minutes or so, to which, I assume, he'd gone into the room and destroyed the barrels, then had become accosted by some piss-drunk dwarves, I get a response:



To conclude: there is no Cow Level. No, I don't feel guilty. Yes, I am an asshole, but allow me to illustrate with another screenshot.

Stupid Nubs: Fangore

If you're on my server on Horde side often enough, you may have ran into this guy. So you're a pretty good tank in a fairly well-to-do guild, Fangore, but when you type stupid shit, I'm right there making fun of you on my level 58 DK bank alt, The Run Bus, like I would anyone else. Just because you look scary doesn't mean that you are. Trade Chat, you never fail to entertain.



I was not aware you needed a special paper for rape.



No one will know of the raping if paper is involved and it occurs in the sewers.



I do win.



Did he just call me a murse?



I lol'd like crfzy too.