Sunday, December 20, 2009

Acetaminophen and Caffeine: I Don't Want You, [Input Race Here]

I got to thinking about the new races we're going to be getting in Cataclysm, the Worgen and Goblins, and while I'm really excited to try out both, I want to openly thank Blizzard for not putting in the following races as playable characters.

Their underground city would be made of melted wax. Speech would be slightly understandable, as they lack the use of proper grammatical syntax and verb conjugation. Their epic tier shoulders would be made from a wrought-iron candelabra. I'd hate to see their women. Probably the Alliance would take them as manual labor, as we all know they don't appreciate their workforce.

Again, I'd hate to see their women. Their /laugh would be dreadful, and imagine how much more dreadful it'd be if they roll'd DK. Mount: diminutive boars. They look like the kind of elitist assholes to ride the dumb versions of themselves, like a Tauren on a cow.

You know how many metalheads would jump at naming their Vrykul warrior some Norse god, or permutation with stupid foreign characters? I've had my fill of umlauts, I really don't want anymore in my WoW life. Thõrödînløkï is neither clever nor awesome, and I will make fun of you for it. You can be the greatest player in Azeroth, but you'll still look like a tattoo parlor stalker with the German name no one can pronounce.


Faceless One
Their speaking emotes would be the lamest shit ever. All telepathy, you'd have to read your chat window. You could customize the number of tentacles in the character creation screen, like the Draenei, only worse. Their orphanage in their major city would have slugs.

Tiny post, yeah. I left out a few because some would actually be cool. Leave in the comments what you think would be a stupid race to make playable, or one you'd think would be awesome. For my awesome vote: Sporelings.


Ophelie said...

I actually just had a conversation with someone the other day about how awesome a playable race Sporelings would be. The other valid race I'd love to play is Dragons.

I like the idea of Faceless Ones! Along the same lines, Abominations are pretty cool, with their exploding and puking. Another one race where you wouldn't want to see their females though.

Monsieur said...

I think the coolest playable race would be dragonkin and ogres, in their own new faction. And they would be like "wtf, we're not just farmable fucking mobs, we have feelings too"